I woke up on my 46th birthday, in the UK, at 4.57 am, and on checking the election results so far, hubby and I decided to snuggle back to sleep for an hour, before the alarm going off at 6.07 (have always like the chaos of the odd number).
I couldn't sleep so decided to do one of those meditation thingys where you send love and kindness to someone you love, someone you're 'meh' about, someone you can't tolerate at all, and yourself.
Don't judge me. I'm new at this self-compassion malarkey.
The idea is in really seeing the person happy, free, loving, free from worry and ego and troubles. I chose Trump as my 'can't tolerate' person.
It's the hardest part of the meditation, but it did help me realise that when I feel like that, no matter how 'right' I think I am, it's only me that feels disconnected from myself.
Here's where I'm currently at. And this is just my perspective/way of being with this. I'm not intending to inflame anything, or disagree with anyone, or dishonour anything that anyone is feeling. I just wanted to write it out.
This morning's news has triggered in me a sense of powerlessness, that I think I've had for most of my adult life. And I know that for me, when I react from fear, it's never bringing anything good, to me or to the world.
There were at least a good handful of men who I should have been able trust in my impressionable years whose behaviour left me feeling less than powerful.
Powerlessness, and not feeling like I belong, were my life's work for a long time.
I am blessed with a wonderful husband and some really awesome and sensitive male friends. I remember seeing some beautiful scenes on coach training of some of my those men hugging, supporting each other, crying, showing their vulnerability.
I'm not saying that male energy is bad and female is good, not at all. But for me, Donald Trump epitomises the masculine - force, power, making stuff happen, taking what he wants, dominance. Everything about his energy has had a much more powerful impact for me, than Hillary's.
Today, I've considered what I really believe about my own power and about my fear.
- Is it a scary world?
- Should I be afraid?
- Should I join in with being afraid?
- Will there be a war?
- What will happen to some of my friends?
- What will happen to me and the people I love?
- Can he be that bad if so many people voted for him?
- Do I really believe that love matters, and that no matter how it seems, that some kind of organising, wise, invisible force, has this all in hand?
I don't know. I'm trying to believe, but I don't always get there. To be fair, I still believe in Fairies and will be watching Father Christmas going across the sky on Christmas Eve, so probably my old belief systems aren't to be totally trusted.
But here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be the person who tunes into what is true for her, and not follow any mass voices that don't make me feel good at all.
I'm going to stay out of judgement as much as I possibly can.
I'm going to remember that I get to take responsibility for how I'm feeling.
I'm going to do what I need to do to feel anything that I need to process and acknowledge it all feels a bit scary. Then I'm going to think some different thoughts.
I'll probably dance round the kitchen to a dancy tune. I'll be giving myself permission to feel ok.
I'm going to be continue to be brave with my life and that includes owning the shadowy bits of me that I don't like, and continuing to include people I struggle with when I do that heart-meditation thingy. I'm going to do it more often because I feel the benefit, and I believe it has an impact on the people and others around me.
I'm going to reserve judgement on Trump because I really don't know enough to be sure about what will happen next.
I'm going to resist putting my intention and focus on what's wrong, because I believe that I'll just be fuelling the fire. I can say a 'hell no' to the kind of leader Trump may turn out to be, but I don't have to keep throwing wood on the fire.
I'm going to own those parts of me that I know I sometimes do, which are the things I don't like in Trump - making it all about me, taking a strong stand for something and intending to get my own way at all costs, making judgements about other people who are different from me.
Our energy really matters. I'm calling all the scattered parts of mine back to me.
But first I'm going to have a slice of birthday cake and a cuppa.