on overcoming perfectionism
The tale of ‘Princess Perfect’
Over a decade ago, I stood in a coach training room feeling a strange, empty, fizzing feeling in my body, after being coached on ‘Princess Perfect’, an imaginary character that I’d named in the coaching, and my coach had invited me to ‘cut off her head’ with the biggest weapon my gentle self could imagine wielding.
I had been trying to be generous towards this part of me which would block any path I tried to take where there was no guarantee I would be the best coach, top of the class, ask all the right questions, or do it right.
It comes with the discomfort of being seen, the striving for some unrealistic standard (never achievable, and usually externally validated), going round in circles with a seemingly impossible thought loop, and a stuck or freeze feeling in the body.
the transition - insight and connection
I knew the experience of hiding or not moving to show myself. However, it was the courage of this coach to challenge me to face the pattern and bring it down with another part of me - strong, fierce, uncompromising - that finally broke the spell of perfectionism.
I sought out a leader of the coach training for help, saying that I didn’t know who to be in that moment. I felt like part of myself had left my body (it had, but I felt bereft in that moment, and in hindsight the familiarity was far more comfortable than the new reality). She told me that I didn’t need the pattern any more, that there would be something in its place and that I was changing, and that it was okay. There was a moment of connection (social engagement, if we’re talking nervous system safety) after a moment of insight that over the years has been an anchor for that experience, and the point where everything changed.
flowing freely with life
It was only after I recognised and banished Princess Perfect that I learned I was capable of what’s there, when perfectionism is no longer left, unchecked, to run the show. There’s a perspective about how that part was helping me stay safe, but I was growing beyond that and the spell had to be broken if I was going to be able to coach with aliveness and curiosity.
I learned that, beyond the defensive and personally protective perfectionism conditioning, the opposite way of being was becoming more available to me. It didn’t happen immediately, but it started to whisper in, as silent and as cell-deep as the reach of smoke from a candle that’s just been extinguished.
What I noticed was that what was there instead was allowing and flow. My ability to tolerate uncertainty. Acceptance of the unfolding moment. Presence. Ease, playfulness and being real. Aliveness. Access to creating from and with the present moment.
Sometimes I still feel the familiar call to control, and the resistance that comes with some kind of thought about how things ‘should’ be (including how I should be, how they should be, how things should be) towards something other than how things are, but because of the paradigm-shattering insight followed by connection where I met my pattern face to face, I’ve never been able to not-know about how powerful that force was in my life.
deconditioning, allowing, disentrainment
I love the word ‘disentrainment’- one meaning being to ‘extinguish a conditioned association’. The more I allowed and flowed with the present moment, trusting myself to respond, or create, and building tolerance to the sensations of vulnerabilty and not-knowing, the more aliveness I noticed. And so much more ease - because there wasn’t a parallel process happening at the same time requiring my presence to be on showing up perfectly.
So many of us have conditioning around perfectionism, and it’s so deeply rooted that we’re not even aware it’s running the show.
your alignment journey
The path to having more capacity to meet the present moment with trust is going to be experienced differently to everyone. And - maybe there will be an insight moment for you, followed by the connection and/or role modelling of others who have overcome this too, and are living with more allowing, more flow, more ease and acceptance in life. We want to be unshaming the experiences of perfectionism (it’s been working so hard to keep you safe, and maybe to stop you from following a life path that’s not yours to follow in the first place) whilst giving ourselves more permission to be who we are in each unfolding moment. There is so much of our own wisdom and creativity that meets us in that space, when we allow it. And - it’s a sensational journey, and we are building our capacity for being able to tolerate the sensations of vulnerabilty and being honest, which for many of us, can be a really new and scary experience.
Beginning your exploration
The opposite of perfectionism can be described as allowing and flow, embracing uncertainty, acceptance (not resignation), learning as you go, and choosing ease, playfulness, and imperfection over rigid control.
where do you need things to be perfect, or have unrealistic high standards, of yourself, or of others?
where are you giving yourself a really hard time, or having a fierce inner critical voice?
are you dialling into calls feeling anxious or some resistance? Might perfectionism be showing up there?
do you hold yourself back from trying things or diving into things because you fear failure?
could you identify some form of discomfort you regularly experience, or some familiar behaviours (holding back, hiding, staying silent, or controlling or efforting) as having a perfectionist belief behind that? It’ll probably have a ‘should’ or ‘can’t’ tone eg things should be a different way, I should be able to do this by now, I can’t do it etc.
Next steps if this is landing
Is this resonating with you? What comes up for you when you think about how perfectionism shows up in your own life and where you’d like to allow more ease and flow?
You might do a bit of your own research, if that feels correct for you. Get to know your own patterns. We have to know a pattern before it can be changed.
I work with people around patterns like this. Keep an eye on the offerings part of my website for ways to work together if you’d like some support.